Monk Moments and Quotes
(Thanks to Tanya for her transcription of Mr. Monk and The Earthquake - I got some of her quotes from there -
you can find it at her site: The Desk of Adrian Monk)



Adrian:  "The Man Who Came To Dinner."
Gail:  "How did you know that?"
Adrian (twisting his dish rag):  "It was a movie about a houseguest who wouldn't leave.  Six words, you were
looking at... me..."

Gail:  "Well enjoy it because that bath is costing me ninety five dollars!"
Adrian:  "Kay... thank you."

Gail:  "Yeah, you know, he's kind of cute.  I've got a thing for cops."
Adrian:  "Yes, I know.  That's why you and I get along so swimmingly."

Sharona:  "Adrian, are you ok?  It's all over."
Adrian glances up briefly, then resumes wiping:  "I'm gonna need a broom."

Adrian:  "Brogga wog, chaga rog... wagga shorg."
Sharona waves her hand:  "Kay, will you stop it?  You owe me money!"
Adrian remains serious, walking to the other room.
Adrian:  "Suru, wrogger, wroggi shog."
Sharona, irritated:  "I know you're faking it!"
Adrian:  "Not faking it!"
Sharona's mouth drops open:  "You just spoke English!"
Adrian (voice fading):  "Wog shoggle woggle... Doro Goro."
Sharona rolls her eyes, sighing heavily.

"...Until the biggest flake in North America just happened to find it?"

Monk:  "I'm not good at parties!"
Sharona:  "It's not a party!  It's a memorial service."

"The late Mrs. Ashcombe was richer than Canada!"

Monk:  "No, no, no - bathroom!  Bathroom!  I - I - I need a wash...!"
Sharona:  "Just try upstairs!  Try upstairs!"
Monk:  "Did you see that?  It was a two-hander!"

Monk jumps around startled:  "Commissioner!  I'm sorry - ah - I was - ah - I was - ah - I was was just - I mean -
later, after - you know - before, when we - I...!"
He laughs, clearly nervous.
Monk:  "OK! Here's the thing...!"
Commissioner:  "I can remember when you began this sentence."

"I guess I had the opposite reaction.  I haven't thrown anything of Trudy's away.  Not even a hairbrush, not even a - hair
from a hairbrush..."

Sharona:  "What happened to the bathing suit I bought you?"
Monk:  "I’m wearing it – underneath!"
Sharona:  "You’re not going to even try?"
Monk:  "I am what I am."
Sharona:  "Well, you do what you want…but, this is my first vacation in three years and I’m going to make every
minute count!"

"Ah ho – oh ye of little faith!"

"I'm as sure as I can be without any - you know - proof!"

Coach - "You can expect me when you least expect me!"
Monk - "I can expect you when I least expect you? But that doesn't make any sense!"
Coach - "You'll know when it happens!"
Coach walks off
Monk - "What the hell was he talking about?"

Commissioner:  "You're in my way!"
Monk: "That's right - I am!"

Dolly:  "I am not a criminal!"
Monk:  "I've seen your rap sheet - you're not exactly Mother Theresa!"

Dolly:  "Mr. Monk, complete the ring!"
Monk:  "I think the ring is fine!"

Monk:  "It's blood!"
Stottlemeyer picks up the questionable poker and holds it up for all to see.
Monk:  "And hair!"
Monk and Stottlemeyer together:  "Human!"

Commissioner:  "I have nothing to say!"
Monk:  "That's quite alright, sir, you've said enough!"

Monk:  "Dolly?  Dolly Flint!  They're all fakes!  You gotta be a little sceptical, Sharona!  Otherwise you end up believing in
everything - UFOS, elves - income tax rebates!"

Daniel:  "Adrian!  Adrian - I noticed you touching all the poles - is that an American thing?"
Monk:  "Yes, it's an American tradition!  I'm touching all the poles because I'm proud to be an American!"

Daniel:  "Oh…ha!  Excuse my asking - but are you two - together?"
Sharona begins to laugh out loud.  Adrian isn't.
Sharona:  "Me and Monk?"
She covers her mouth as she gets a good laugh at the mere thought.
Monk watches her.  She gives her hand in signal - no way.
Sharona:  "No, no - we're not!"
She laughs some more, Adrian isn't as amused.
Monk:  "It's not - not that funny…"
Sharona:  "Yes it is funny!"
Monk:  "Not that funny…"

Monk:  "I tried doing that once, making every minute count.  Gave me a headache!"
Sharona doesn’t even look up.
Sharona: "What doesn’t?"

Monk: "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Why me, every damned time!"
Sharona: "Adrian, what's wrong?"
Monk: "I solved the case."

Sharona: "Do you have your hopes up?"
Monk: "Of course, that's what hopes are for."

Coach: "You can run, but you can't hide!"
Monk: "Oh, I most certainly can hide -- can't I, Sharona?"
Sharona: "Oh, nobody hides like you, boss."

"For n-next time, read chapters one and tw--read chapter one and---aww.  Read whatever the hell you want!"

Monk: "Maybe I should go talk to that student over there that the bullies are picking on."
Sharona: "Oh, I don't know -- what would you say?"
Monk: "That things will get worse."

"I think the snake did it."

"That officer outside told me I was dead.  I'm not dead!  Am I?"

Monk:  "I can't go to Mexico!"
Sharona:  "Why not?"
Monk:  "It's not here!"

Monk (pointing to picture of Trudy):  "There's my girl!"
Sharona:  "She looks happy!"
Monk: "Yeah, that was before she met me!"

Sharona:  "How long can you go without drinking?"
Monk:  "What's the record?"

Border Patrol Agent: "You must be a very lonely man!"
Monk: "Yes, I am, thank you!"

Desk Clerk: "This is the only room with a three-way light!"
Monk: "Good thing we called ahead!"

Policeman: "Do you have any enemies here?"
Monk: "No, not here!'

Monk:  "What am I going to eat and drink?"
Sharona: "Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico!"
Monk: "Answer the question!  What am I going to eat and drink?"

"I've never been so proud to be an American!"

"I'm not a drug dealer!"

"I have no problem with change.  I just don't like to be there
when it happens."

Monk: "He was a thirsty victim."
Sharona: "PERFECT victim."

Warren Beech: "Where's your friend? I wanna show her something."
Monk: "Oh, she's in the bathroom."
Warren: "No, she's not. It says: 'UNoccupied."
Monk: "Gee, I hope she didn't leave."
Warren: "Where could she go?  It's an airplane."


"Ok, now, instead of playing charades, we're playing let's stump Monk!"

"God!  You're scaring him away, Gail's trying to SEDUCE him, and I'm stuck in the middle as usual!"

"...Now that's a true story and was the best $35 bucks I ever spent!"

"Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?!"

"Umm... he was consulting on the case before you showed up to solve it!"

"He's a psychic who doesn't believe in psychics!"

Monk:  "(Sigh)  I think I’ll go back to the room!"
Sharona: "Yeah, you don’t want to burn!  You’ve been out here for what – ten minutes?"

Sharona:  "No, it’s too scary!"
Benjy: "Oh no, it’s not!  All the other kids are…"
Sharona:  "Not for you, for Mr. Monk!"

"Gawww….d!!  I can't believe I'm looking for you - you drive me nuts!!"

Sharona: "Ahh - Adrian, are you sure about this?"
We see them standing next to Harry's vehicle in the parking lot.
Monk:  "Well, no!"
Sharona:  "You better be right - I swear - I'll kill you!"

Sharona:  "Well, it's better than believing in nothing!  I feel sorry for you!"
Monk:  "Thank you!"

"I'll let you drive when hell freezes over. Wait..not even then. I don't want you driving on the ice."

"I know money doesn't count on Planet Monk!"


"Yeah.  Body's on an incline, head down.  Look at the bloodstain on his chest.  Blood doesn't flow uphill.  At least, not in my
They begin to walk from the scene.
"When was the last time he was seen upright?"

Disher:  "Yes sir.  Can you take line two sir?  It's Monk."  He crumples the note while Stottlemeyer goes for the phone.
Stottlemeyer:  "Better be good."
Adrian:  "Dro glori'ior en us' dro von un glor'n sketer."
Stottlemeyer (eyes widening):  "What?"

Stottlemeyer:  "I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw."
Darryl:  "I don't have a broken jaw..."
Stottlemeyer spins him around, smashing his fist into Darryl's jaw, knocking him flat.

Dolly:  "Oh hells bells, captain, you can call me Dolly.  You've known me for twenty years!"
Stottlemeyer:  "Hellooo Dolly!"

"He is a police photographer - he's not from the National Enquirer!"

Stottlemeyer:  "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office!"
Sharona seems slightly dismayed sitting in a chair in the captain's office, Adrian is standing in front of her.
Stottlemeyer:  "Yes, see - I'm confused, because my name is on the door!"

"Where is all my crap?!"

Stottlemeyer:  "Sharona's kid told me.  Umm…ah - I have a message for you. Ah - Benjy wants to have a sleepover at Drew
Cunningham's house!"
Sharona:  "Are his parents going to be home?"
Stottlemeyer:  "I don't know?"
Sharona: "Well, did - did, he call from Drew's?"

Stottlemeyer:  "She's psychic - a little bird told her - I don't know!"
Monk walks up close to the captain now.
Monk:  "Leland, I'm talking to the best cop I know, you got to get on board here!  Ashcombe was sleeping around!"

Stottlemeyer: "Look, I knew you were crazy - I didn't know you were suicidal.  Did you accuse Harry Ashcombe of murder to
his face?!"

"Could we not make this a personal thing? This is not about who Daddy loves more."

"You've seen other people having fun.  Imitate them."

"I have two eyes. I see everything that he sees, but . . . . I don't see what he sees."

Stottlemeyer: "Don't give up!"
Monk: "Is that an order?"
Stottlemeyer: "Yes!"


Gail:  "Oh, wow, look at that!  Nice picture!  Why'd you get rid of the moustache?"
Disher:  "My Captain has a moustache.  I shaved mine off so that people could tell us apart."

Sharona: "Hmm?!  He leaves the house all the time - he's not disabled!  He just gets a little anxious about…"
Disher:  "…Every single thing!"


"The telescope?  Big whoop!"

Benjy:  "And, there’s Mr. Monk’s room!"
Sharona:  "Which one?"
Monk:  "The first one, the one he couldn’t stay in because it smelled funny!"


Gail:  "I had caller ID when I was living with Lenny
in Seattle."
Sharona:  "Ok, you never told me that!"
Gail:  "I know, I was avoiding your calls.  I had
caller ID!"

"Hal Meyers?  Yeah, in my nightmares.  You know,
even in my nightmares he can't act."

"Rice cakes.  God, I hate this diet!"

Gail:  "You know, I dated a cop once!  I still have his handcuffs on my bedpost."
Disher:  "Well, then I should inform you, you are still in possession of stolen property.  I might have to take you down to the station."
He leans on the counter, trying to look suave.  Gail looks over her shoulder at him.
Gail:  "Really?  I might not mind that!"

Disher:  "Uh, so, uh, what's it like having Adrian Monk as a houseguest?"
Gail:  "Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house- and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls.  Took me
two months to get rid of it- drove me crazy."  She stirs the sauce some more.
Disher:  "And?"
Gail:  "It's like that.  So are you, um, you gonna wait for him?"

Gail smiles tightly, returning with a box of Q-tips.  She holds them out to Adrian, who looks at them with distaste.
Adrian:  "Do you have any white ones?"
Gail:  "What's the difference?"
Adrian:  "These are blue... I'll wait for Sharona."
Gail:  "Anyhoozle... he dropped this off, some phone records you wanted."


Sharona:  "Did that director have a British accent?"
Dolly:  "I think so…"
Sharona:  "What's his name?"
Dolly:  "Ahh - forget it - he's gay!   He doesn't know it yet, but…tshhh…forget it!"

Sharona:  "I believe you, Dolly!"
Dolly:  "Thank you, sweetie!  What's his problem?"

"She was calling me, she lead me here!  See, that's the way it happens sometimes!  I was driving the car, but her aura was
guiding me!"

Disher looks at her again like she's from another planet.
Disher:  "And, you never met Mrs. Ashcombe?"
Dolly:  "No, never met her.  Not until this morning."
Disher:  "And, do you know her husband at all?"
Dolly:  "Never had the honour."

Dolly:  "Did he tell 'ya?  He arrested me three times - bonco and fraud!  You always thought I was a quack, didn't 'ya, captain?  Never
thought I'd actually find somebody..."

Dolly:  "Oh - OK…Yeah, this is another man.  A new man."
Sharona is now very interested.
Dolly:  "Oh, honey, this is a real man!"

"What do they call them anyway?  Parageens?  Here you go!"

"You know you are Mr. Monk, you are what we in the spiritual world call a buzz kill!"


Desk clerk:  "Don't eat the mints!"