The following Stories are not for everyone.
These stories are of My Life dealing with Molestation.
They are my personal experiences, some are a bit graphic.
Return to the main part of my site,
if you think you might become offended.
(Press the Back Button on your Browser)
(or go to the Bottom of this page and Click Home.)

Anyone who Wishes to stay, I thank you for taking the time.
I am not putting my experiences here for anyone's Pity.
I am sharing my experiences to help myself heal and also to
help anyone who may have experienced something similar.

I am sitting here today trying to make this page. I have the background all in place and the Music is playing. I look at the picture above and I look carefully. This girl where is she? Who is the little girl in this picture? I am looking at myself but yet I don't see me. Where is the Little Girl in the Picture? Where am I? I can't seem to find myself. She is lost somewhere and I am really scared to look for her. I sit here fighting for control. This is going a bit too far. I can see myself as a child and certain things. I remember sitting and Biting myself. I would bite my arm or hand SO HARD I would almost pierce the skin. Then I would cry. WHY? WHY did I do that? I remember wanting to stab myself. I remember cutting myself one time. I would look at my Mother's sewing machine and think about putting, my hand under it and hurting my self. I was such a small girl! Why would a child want to hurt themselves. I was just a little baby when I thought of dying. That I would be better off dead.

It is not rational for ANYONE to think this way.
Especially a child. Especially a small child.

Charles Perez
Hispanic Male, 9 years old, Bronx New York


We called him Charlie. He was the son of my Mother's Best Friend. He was only 4 years older than me. He himself was a child. It was said he was born bad. Like his father he was bad. He treated his little brother cruel and hateful. I remember the story of how he pushed his little brother down in the toilet and got him stuck in it. He was a terrible little boy. I don't remember exactly how it came about. I must have been about 5 years old. I think I was in kindergarten. Kindergarten had a half day at school and Rosita (Charlie's mother) would watch me, while my mother was somewhere. I might have been younger I don't remember exactly. But it was between 4 and 6 years. Charlie was the first born of Rosita's children. He was named after his father. Rosita had broken up with Big Charlie and was alone with Little Charlie and Davy (short for David). Rosita was Beautiful woman, Loving and caring and with some extra padding. I liked her very much and don't blame her for what her son did to me. Charlie was manipulative. He had to be right all the time and had a very mean streak. You could see it in him even as a child. Charlie had a awful personality.

Charlie had known me since I was a baby literally. I was still in pampers when he would play with me. No one would guess that he would do the things he did. Why would they think that? He would start by saying he want to check me. I didn't know what he meant. He said to check me down there (pointing toward my genitals) "NO!" I said. "My mother said you don't show that to anyone." "Oh Please." he said "Let me see." "No my mother said you don't do that." I insisted. "Your mother doesn't know anything!" "If you don't let me see I will tell her you did something really bad." Charlie said. I automatically became fearful. "No, don't say that!" I whined to him. "I will, I will and she will believe me cause I am older." "You will be in so much trouble." Charlie said in a laughing voice. I knew he would do it cause he was a liar and lied all the time. "I still wasn't giving in yet. But he kept on me insisting and threatening me. I did give in and he touched me. He pulled my pants down and my panties. He stuck his hand down there and felt everywhere. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I felt sick inside. When he was finished he pinched my other lips and said "Oh how cute." It was sickening and he knew I didn't like it but he didn't care.

Charlie threatened me in all kinds of ways. He even said he would tell my mother that I asked him to touch me down there. I believed him and what he said. He would always be really nice to me afterward and read me a story or let me watch what I wanted to on TV. No one would have guessed that he was doing those things. I was to scared to tell my mom and I just put up with it. This continued all the time. Then things started to get worse.

There was a book about Sex. I don't remember if it was Charlie's or mine. It told all about how flowers and animals reproduce. There was a picture of a Bull and Cow having sex with the bull on top of the Cow from behind. Well he wanted to try it just like they did. But I was too scared. I knew that you weren't suppose to do sex. Not just from my mom but God didn't like you to do that unless you were married. He kept at me and at me to do that. "God wont know about it" Charlie would say. "You are suppose to listen to your elders and I am older than you so you have to listen." After so much pressure I gave in and he told me to get into his mother's bed with my pants off. He took his off also. He hid our clothes under the blanket. He started to touch me down there and I was as stiff as a board. He got on top of me when I was laying on my back and started to rub his little penis against me. I was so scared I didn't move. He started bouncing on me, he didn't enter me, at least I don't think so but he was very close to it. His mother started coming and he jumped off me. "Pretend your asleep." he said. I closed my eyes and pretended. "What you doing?" Rosita asked. "We are taking a nap." Charlie said. "OK." Rosita said "You go lay down in your room Charlie." "But MA." Charlie whined. "Go now" Rosita said and left. We both put on our clothes and Charlie went to his room Red with anger. I was in relief, and closed the bedroom door when he left. I sat there on the bed and cried. In a few minutes he tried to sneak back in but I had locked it and he couldn't. He was mad and told his mother that I locked the door. Rosita then got mad at me and made me come out. We both had to sit in the living room. At least he couldn't do anything to me in there.

These events kept happening until my mother stopped what is was she was doing and was able to be home with me. I don't remember if it was a job she had or some program or something. But when she was home I was happy that I didn't have to go to Charlie's house anymore. But that didn't stop him. When Rosita would visit with Charlie he would wait until my Mother and Rosita went into the kitchen or bedroom and he would start with me again. He couldn't take his clothes off but he made me act out different things with him. When ever he heard foot steps he would just jump off and pick up a toy. He would even break my toys and ruin them. I remember he took my baby doll and with red marker made lines on her face like blood and would shake it at me. I thought it was the scariest thing. He put red all over her body like she was bleeding. I was happy when my mom threw away that doll. It made me cringe.

Rosita stopped coming by so often and things were better. They still lived near us but I didn't stay there too much. Charlie got older and he was trouble. Davy the younger brother suffered with Charlie for a brother. Charlie ended up beating his mother when he was older and as soon, as Charlie was 18 Rosita moved away with Davy to Florida. Charlie was left here in the neighborhood, he was involved with the wrong crowd. Once when Rosita was visiting here, Charlie went to see her and was stabbed right on the door step. I saw him once when I was 14 right in front of the corner store. I haven't seen him since.

Gregory
Black Male, 16-17 years old, Bronx New York


Gregory was a young man who went to the same place of worship me and My mom did. He was not a very nice young man either and full of trouble. He did not abuse me repeatedly but the one time he touched me was an impact on me.

I remember it like yesterday. I certain young man who was loved by one and all had passed away. It was a sad event, everyone was tearful and upset. I didn't go to school that day, I went with my mother to the home of the parents. I liked the young man so much he was a sweet person and we were all in grief. Many people went to the home of the parents almost the whole congregation packed into the small apartment. All of them where there to support the parents of such a brilliant, sweet tender and beautiful young man. It was truly a great loss.

On such an occasion that this happen to me was even more of a blow. This type of nonsense should never occur especially on a day as solemn as this. At the apartment I was present with my mother and many other people. All the children were sent to sit in a room. The young mans room that had passed on. I was there with 3 others Gregory, David and another young girl a couple of years older. Gregory was the oldest almost as old as the young man who passed on. They were kind of friendly Gregory and the young man.

Gregory was about 16-17 years. David was about 15-16 years and the young girl about the same as David maybe a bit younger. I was about 9-10 years. I was the youngest but as big as the rest of them. Gregory and David were looking through the young man things. Even arguing who would get what. I couldn't believe it I mean he had just died a few hours ago and they were actually arguing over his belongings. I really didn't want to stay in the room with them but there were so many people around, and the apartment was small that my mom kept telling me to go sit in the room with them. I don't remember who I think it was one of the parents of another woman from the congregation. They heard Gregory and David arguing of the belongings and really let them have it. They both sat down. There were two beds in the room. One on either side. David sat with the young black girl and Gregory sat with me on the beds. I think they thought it was funny cause I was Puerto Rican and Gregory was Black. and David was Hispanic and the Young girl was black. Like mismatch or something. I don't really know why they did it but we sat there and the boys talked and stuff. The girl and me didn't speak much that I remember.

I don't really know why but all of a sudden Gregory touched my breast. I was developed for a girl my age REALLY DEVELOPED. He just took his hand and touched my nipple. I felt a shock go through me and a crazy tingling feeling. No one actually touched my nipple before I never even paid them much attention. And I felt so embarrassed by this. I didn't want him to touch me. I didn't want to feel that feeling either. I thought that I was a horrible girl. That I would feel that when he touched me. It caught me totally by surprise. That is all he did to me but that one moment in time when I was so sad and in the very house on the very bed that our friend had died he did this to me. He was suppose to be his friend I mean they were closer in age. Everyone knew my age. Everyone in our congregation watched me grow up he knew I wasn't his age or even near it but he still did that and he was around 16-17 years. How sick is that. I don't care how big I was or developed I was he had no right. Even my age doesn't matter because even if I was older he still had no right to touch me.

Gregory continue to remain in trouble he stopped coming to the meeting and he got involved with drug dealers. He continued on his horrible path. The most horrible thing is that he killed his own mother. She had gotten some kind of attack and was paralyzed on one side of her body. He stabbed her to death in her own bathroom. She knew that he was the one killing her. She was a beautiful, graceful woman. Loved by everyone. I remember her funeral they had to have a giant room for her because HUNDREDS of people came. He is in jail I presume I would hope that he is never released.

When we think of Child abuse we think of some Adult a stranger.
Someone lurking in the bushes waiting to steal our children.
Most times we never think that it could be an Adult Family Member.
The same people we love and cherish. We don't think of those people.
We never think it would be the Teacher or Important figure.
We never ever even conceive that a Child Abuser could be another Child.
The same Child that we tell our Children to go play with.
An older child we trust to read a story to our children.
A baby sitter, An older sibling, we don't think about that.
That lurking in the shadows is not the place to look.
That it could be right there, shining in our face.

Graphics Set Created by: LuvRaqui
It is not for Public use and remains the Property of
LuvRaqui Inc. Copyright 2000 / Set made 2001