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Misguided Mods - Bizarre detailing, peculiar modifications,
and downright ugly add-ons that BMW owners put on their cars

Well, this page had to happen. It focuses on an often overlooked point: "Less is More." I've just about seen everything from the subtle to the totally absurd to the blatantly hideous in regards to automobile decoration (mutilation?). Sadly, BMWs are not exempt from this practice. Why? Isn't it enough that you own "The Ultimate Driving Machine??" Apparently not. These undeserved BMW owners have to tack on every useless high wattage/ chrome/ fiberglass/ urethane/ carbon fiber accessory in a feeble attempt at individuality. What's wrong with individuality, you ask? Not a thing, but good taste matters, too! With that in mind, let's examine these automobile no-nos in detail:

(Don't bother clicking on these Misguided Mods for larger pictures -- they're not worth it!)

Gold Trim - Unquestionably a symbol of excess and snob appeal. These people want to say, "Hey, I have arrived." But they're really saying, "Look at me, I'm a dope!" Hood ornaments, window trim, wheel arches, wheel covers, license plates, tail pipes, you name it, and very often used in various weird combinations, dramatically increasing the ugliness quotient. Disappointingly, the BMW dealerships sell this junk! Aaaghh!! This gold rush is not limited to BMWs either: Benzes, Jags, Nissans, Toyotas (Camrys are very common offenders), and even Toyota Corollas (the gold is probably worth more than the car!). Gold is for jewelry, not auto trim...

Rear Spoilers - One of the most abused and expensive add-ons in the automotive market today. Granted, my '87 325is and '91318is each had lip spoilers on the trunk, but nothing like what's available now. The E30 M3 had a pretty outrageous spoiler, but it was purpose-built that way by BMW's Motorsport division for European homologation racing in the late '80s... Japanese car owners (particularly Honda and Acura owners) are clearly the main abusers, sporting tall hoop spoilers that would splatter low flying birds and/or could double as UHF antennas. I've even seen a Porsche whale tail on a '82 Civic (I'll bet there's some major downforce on that car!). German car owners are guilty too: a guy I knew stuck a mondo T-wing on the trunk of his Audi A4 because he thought it made his car look like a DTM racer. Uh huh. One year later, he dumped the car for a Mercedes-Benz C280 (second mistake). A lesson learned? Possibly, but he might have done the same thing to the Benz...

Double Wiper Blades - Let's see, each car has two windshield wipers (except for some of those bizarro Mercedes-Benzes and Volkswagen Sciroccos), so if we double the number of blades for each it'll wipe better, right? Wrong! The only thing it doubles is the ugliness factor. And they don't wipe very well, either. There's no substitute for a good set of wiper blades (Bosch, Anco, etc.). Additionally, these "miracle engineering" double wipers come in a variety of standard and fluorescent colors, to add insult to injury. Stay away from these aberrations!

Chrome/Stainless Steel Wheel Arches - A detailing nightmare. Why would anyone want their wheel arches chromed or stainless steel? There are even gold ones! Yeech! What possible function do they have, other than ruining a perfectly good car? (Maybe that is their function!) The person who uses these awful add-ons usually has the gold trim too. Just excessive and plain ugly. Another thing to stay away from.

Ugly Wheels - That says it all. There's a multitude of hideous wheels in the market, and unfortunately, people are buying them. Alone, these wheels are bad enough (three spokes, swirled spokes, six spokes, mega spokes, fat spokes, etc.), but add chrome plating and you've got a real catastrophe on your hands. Another sign of excess and poor judgement by the owner. BBS seems to be the only wheel manufacturer with any taste at all, staying with their classic (and often imitated) designs. Other manufacturers must have a room full of three-year old kids designing their wheels. And leave the chrome for the bathroom fixtures.

Wood Trim - Interior door trim, center consoles, steering wheels, shift knobs. Ugh. The wood trim would look fine if it were used sparingly as in most stock models, but that's never the case. The interior is usually overwhelmed in maple, burlwood, teak, and walnut to satisfy the owner's lust for wood and veneer. The automotive press has always ripped BMW for their "uninviting, bleak, Teutonic" interiors. So in the last few years, BMW has begun to "warm up" the interiors. Basic black is okay by me... Save a tree!

Carbon Fiber Trim - Specifically, faux Carbon fiber, particularly as exterior and interior trim. The high-tech answer to wood trim. And just as awful. Carbon fiber is known and used for its strength and lightness, not for detailing center consoles and instrument panels. It's a buzzword which gets oohs and aahs from people, like the overused word turbo. And when used in conjunction with chrome interior pieces (pedals, shift knobs, etc.) you've got a major disaster here. Does anyone give a hoot if you have carbon fiber mirror or window trim? No. How about a carbon fiber gear shift knob? Nope. You'll kick yourself when it peels off or blisters. Save your money.

Window tinting - Speaking of peeling and blistering, let's look at window tint film. This is so bad, that I didn't even have a picture for it. Sold mainly as a protector for interior pieces like dashboards, seats, rear decks from the ravages of UV exposure, what protects the film from the UV rays? Discoloration (usually to purple), peeling, and blistering are the likely end results. More often than not, the window film is too dark, so you'll eventually get busted by the police. Then, be prepared to spend several frustrating weekends trying to chisel the film off the glass with a razor blade. And good luck trying to avoid the rear window defroster wires... What a joke. Wanna really protect your interior? Park in the shade whenever possible, use a UV protectant like Meguiar's #40 or Vinylex and/or a car cover.

The BMW M-Logo Emblem - Undeserving BMW owners are the sole violators in this category, though I did see one dork with a Nissan Maxima who had an M-Logo emblem on his trunk with part of the "M" sawed off to make an "N." This genius probably sawed the emblem after he stuck it on his car... Doh!! Not only do these BMW owners misuse the M-Logo on their standard 3-series and 5-series car, but they're invariably stuck on crooked and/or in the wrong place as well... //M318i? //M325es? //M528e? //M2002? 318i//M?? Duhhh!! Save yourself from humiliation, ridicule, and scorn: If you want and M-car, BUY an M-car...

The Turbo Emblem - A buzzword from the '80s. Now a complete and total cliche. The term had even spread to computers (the "turbo" button). This emblem is found on cars ranging from Hyundai (yeah, right) to Porsche (the real thing). Also gold plated (aagh!). This craze has become virtually (and thankfully) extinct like the Dodo, save for a few clueless individuals. Now commonly found only on those polluting, diesel Mercedes-Benz land yachts (Turbodiesels).

Car Stereo - Acoustic overload. Overdone beyond all recognition. Subwoofers, multiple power amps, crossovers, equalizers, every audio gadget imaginable. An audio store on wheels. Insane and unbelievable. Can any music (particularly overdriven) be better than the wonderful turbine-like whine of a BMW four or six revving to the redline?? I think not. Amazingly, these people gloat and fawn over their audio monster: "Well, I've got 500 pounds of 250-watt bi-amplified, equalized equipment with six subwoofers and ten tweeters in my M3. It accelerates and handles like a school bus now, but the sound is awesome. By the way, I'm losing my hearing." Congratulations, future hearing-aid wearer. You've turned your car into an audio equipment-filled noise pollution vehicle. You want REALLY great sound? Spend the dough on home audio/theater equipment. Concert halls and music ampitheaters are stationary, not on wheels. And just maybe you'll even hear that train coming before it turns you and your car into its hood ornament.

Headlight Covers - Headlight "eyebrows," masks, and everything in between. All are universally grotesque. BMW goes through great efforts to make the headlights as optimal and functional as they can be, then these idiots try to cover it up for the sake of appearance. I've seen several BMWs like this, and I shake my head in disgust. Fight the urge and don't buy this junk.

Cupholders - Another gripe by many, particularly the press, about BMWs was their lack of cupholders. Cupholders? Since when were cupholders a contributor/detriment to a BMW's performance? Just a waste of space, really. BMW has even gone out of their way to offer cupholders as accessories for the older models. Sheesh. How about offering replacements for the cupholders in the new BMWs?? Way too many people out there have coffee cups and other drinks shoved up their faces and/or cell phones sticking out of their ears rather than concentrating on the matter at hand: driving. Think about that. And remember: Don't drink while driving.

De-badging - Several days after posting this new page and seeing over two dozen more grotesquely gold-badged cars, mainly Toyota Camrys and Nissan Maximas (no surprise, really), I noticed and realized a subtle modification almost completely unique to four-cylinder E36 BMWs: de-badging. Not an add-on, but literally a rip off, these owners are obviously ashamed of having "only" a four-cylinder BMW, so they remove the rear "318i/318is" emblem. How do I know that these de-badged BMWs are four-bangers? The single exhaust pipe... Some claim this mutilation makes the car look cleaner. Does removing your nose make your face look cleaner?? Get real. History lesson: BMW's claim to fame are its terrific four cylinder engines (found in the legendary 2002 and E30 M3 models), and is why BMW's Munich headquarters building is a four cylinder structure (see photo). There's considerable heritage here, so if you're gonna de-badge your BMW, sell it instead, 'cause you don't deserve it.

Other Aerodynamic Aids - Just look at this unrecognizable E30 convertible. Not only does this car have the useless clothes rack rear spoiler, but also the unbelievably bogus and certainly hideous side grillework a la Ferrari Testarossa. Pardon me while I reach for an airsick bag. There are not enough derogatory words I can use to describe this car. People spend money to do this to their car?? Another example of the decline of Western Civilization. Total nonfunctionality is the norm here: street-sweeping side skirts, bulbous fender flares, front spoilers doubling as bulldozer front ends. Rampant ugliness. Unless your car is preparing to race at Le Mans, Daytona, or Laguna Seca, don't bother. Whew!

Nitrous Oxide - Power. You always want more. Supercharging? I've considered it myself. Turbocharging? Numerous devotees. Nitrous? Gimme a break! Some people just don't know when to quit. Gotta be different. Gotta be unique. Insanity Now, Serenity Never! Why bother having a car, let alone a BMW, when you do this kind of modification? Anything with wheels (bicycles, skateboards, rollerblades,etc.) will work... Better yet, why don't you just strap an F15 Pratt & Whitney Turbofan engine to your back and let fly?? This add-on isn't about driving anymore, just an obsession with excessive, raw power. Take the Buick GNX for example: 275 bhp from a turbocharged V6, but it had drum brakes. Drum brakes! It could do a 13 second quarter mile, but couldn't stop if it hit a brick wall... Nitrous Oxide, eh? I think they're breathin' the stuff... You really have to wonder about these people. It's highly advisable to stay clear of them, "For they know not what they do..."

Clear Lenses - Not really that bad, but these things are expensive: several hundred dollars for a front and rear set. I don't get it. Why do you need 'em? Performance increase? No. Safety? I don't think so. Looks? You got it! They don't really do much as far as the driving experience is concerned. Got money burnin' a hole in your pocket? Give it to charity. Or send it to me and I'll put it to good use for my Bimmer...

Hopefully, this won't be continued...